I am sitting here on my deck. It is August 17, 2009 and I am trying to enjoy the beautiful weather. It feels like fall although it is technically still summer. We have had a cold front hit Utah the past couple days. I am so thankful for it. I am sitting here reading the ensign on line. Reading about teaching our children to pray and desperately missing my little boy. We had to take him back yesterday. It was much more bitter than it normally is because of the fact that he is starting Kindergarten and will no longer be able to come visit us for weeks at a time, except for around holidays and summers. I am broken hearted and no matter what I do, nothing heals or eases the pain. I am reminded, while I read about teaching our children to pray, about the conversation I just had with Malachi on Saturday night as the two of us sat at the kitchen table together. He started talking about how Jana and Martin don't say their prayers. I told him that it didn't matter. As long as he said his own prayer, that was what was important. This time he said okay which was a sign that he is definitely getting older and understanding more. Last summer when I told him he needed to pray by himself he got upset and would only say, "no mom, Jana won't". Believe me was that hard to hear. I of course cried but all I can do is hope that my example will help him. In fact we got ready to eat lunch the other day the two of us and in my mind I had decided to skip prayer since we were both hungry and we could say one for dinner. But Malachi didn't forget and he reminded me that we needed to say a prayer. I was so proud of him. I was a bad mom the other day and I said a bad word in the car. Malachi of course heard it and told me that I had said a bad word. I apologized to him and told him that I would tell Jesus sorry. He then told me, "I already told Jesus sorry two times." He started to tell me how he had gotten in trouble and had to go to his room and that in his room he told Jesus sorry. Oh how I miss my little boy. We have such a special little bond and he is my life and I feel so lost and alone without him. It is so horrible for me to think that I will be away from him so much. I just don't know how to deal with it. He is so sweet. I was so mad, I purposely took off last Wed, Thurs and Friday to spend with him, knowing that we would be taking him home on Sunday. Well the Saturday before that we went to Ryan's parents and went river rafting. While we were there he started getting sick and it just progressed into the week. On Tuesday and Wednesday he had a small fever all day. We finally ventured out on Thursday and went school shopping. I feel so bad because I wasn't very patient with him at times in the store and memories like that always come back to haunt me. Friday I planned a fun filled day. I made him breakfast in the morning even though he slept until 11 so it should have technically been lunch. But I figured he needed his rest since he had been so sick and since he hadn't been sleeping well. Once we got up and going we headed to Brent's condo to go swimming. That didn't last too long because the clouds started coming in and it started to rain. We had fun in the pool though. He finally stopped being afraid of the big pool. We tried at the beginning of the summer to break him of his fear and he did so well. He was swimming around with me and Ryan. He even dared to jump of the side of the pool into the water even though he didn't like it and he got water in his nose. I was so proud of him for trying though. He wasn't happy about having to leave but we told him we were on our way to a movie. I let him choose the movie we went to see that morning. I let him watch the trailers of Aliens in the Attic and G-force. Thankfully he chose Aliens. We got to Jordan Landing a couple hours before the movie even started and went to Iggie's for lunch/dinner. It was so much fun just sitting there together. It wasn't crouded and we were able to watch Tiger Woods play some golf. After that we played in the common area. They have some little toys for kids to play on and we waited there for our movie to start. I actually saw my Grandma Claudia there and I was so happy to see her because it has been a couple of months since I have seen her and I never did tell them that I had had a miscarriage. It was good to get that off my chest. Well, then we went and watched the movie. He liked it even though at times he was scared. He ended up in my lap for parts of it but he was so mesmerized by it. I was so happy that he had fun. We headed to my parents house after the movie. Ryan was going to help Rondell fix his car and Chi and I headed back to the stores to finish buying what we needed for his party. He was so good to go with me and keep me company. I thanked him for that and he helped me pick out stuff. He was so excited to have his un-birthday party the next day which was themed after Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. He was a little noisy that night after my parents went to bed and I feel bad no for not being patient with him then too. I know that I am doing what is right in teaching him to behave but when he is gone I remember all the times I wasn't patient and I get angry with myself. We all slept down stairs in the my old bedroom and then I got up early the next morning and started getting ready for his party. It was a complete success. I got everything done in time. Almost everyone showed and Malachi had a blast. He had so many friends show up. The weather cleared up but wasn't hot. It truly was perfect other than me stressing and hating to throw parties because I always worry about people not having fun. I have two groups of friends so they don't all know each other and that can get awkward at times. But we had great decorations and tons of food and tons of candy. It was so much fun. I would do anything to make my little boy happy and I think I succeeded at that. But as I sit here I just can't stop thinking about him and about all the memories we have made together and not wanting to ever forget them. He was so sick a couple of the nights and he was up coughing so much. He was wining one night and when I picked him up to put him back in bed where I thought he would be most comfortable he randomly said, "Mommy, I don't need the bathroom light on anymore, I'm not scared." The way he said it with his sweet little sick voice just made me cry instantly. I knew that would be something I would miss about him. Another one of the nights I went to lay next to him to make sure he was doing ok and he said, "mommy, your spikey's don't hurt me anymore." He was referring to my legs when I don't shave. He just melts my heart. He also is so sweet. I asked Ryan to rub my shoulders one night. Malachi piped in, "Mommy, I will rub your shoulders. Where are your shoulders?" Do I not have the sweetest little boy on the planet. I just love him so much. I miss him. I ache for him. I am crying for him right now. My sister, mom, and Nanda all called to check up on me today. I am very thankful for them.

I have had a wonderfully, relaxing day today. The only days that I truly ever relax is when I am not at home because then I don't feel guilty for sitting on the couch watching a movie, or reading a book, or taking a long walk because there isn't something looming in my kitchen that needs cleaning or a pile of clothing that needs folding. I can actually just sit and relax. We got up early this morning (we are in Vernal) and headed up the mountain to take a ride on a raft down the Green River. I have been so excited about his for a while now. Looking forward to a little rest and relaxation. The strangest thing to me is that I haven't worried about it. I haven't worried that the current would be too strong and that our raft would flip and we would all die of drowning. Because, sad as it is, I normally think this way. Everything is always a worry to me. I have a major case of anxiety that I have never quite conquered. Anyway...we had our sweet little boy with us and Ryan's parents and his little sister. The weather was beautiful, the raft was strong and we set out to explore the unknown, at least for me since Chi and I were the only one's who hadn't experienced the ride. It was so calming, at times a little too calm I must admit, but there were moments that we caught some good rapids and it was SO MUCH FUN. Chi was in heaven. I don't think he stopped smiling once! We got each other wet, well mostly Ryan got everyone wet and when Brinli finally got him wet he grabbed her and through her overboard. What a stinker! He always has to have the last laugh. Well, to fast forward a little, I knew I had to get him so Brinli and I poured out his Mountain Dew later in the day and replaced it with water and a lot of salt. He went to take a drink and of course realized it wasn't Dew. It wasn't the greatest of pranks but at least we got him a little. Anyway, the ride was so relaxing, we had a wonderful time. The rest of the day has consisted of naps, two walks with Chi while he rode his bike around the neighborhood, and a good read with Marley and Me. Even reading this book makes me appreciate the simplicity of my life. I am not anyone special or famous and yet I have a very good, blessed life that I need to be more thankful for. Sure I don't have everything I want. Like a new baby to wake up in the middle of the night to feed. But, I have a strong feeling that one day I will. I am realizing there are many things that I still need to do in order to be ready for such an experience. I received some good councel from a good friend to read one of the articles in this month's ensign. It has do do with having heaven opened to you daily. It talks about having morning devotionals with yourself and promises that there will be changes in your life. Definitely becoming closer to the Lord and becoming a more faithful daughter of God has to be my priority in life before I receive any of the blessings that I so desperately want.