I just had one of the most meaningful discussions that I have ever had. It was with Patty Johnson, I just served in the Primary with her for the past year and Sunday we were just released. We just went to dinner as a presidency and as we were turning the corner to our street I was just saying how maybe I shouldn't feel so badly that I wasn't able to have babies because I have been so blessed in my life. They were all talking at dinner about their inactive families and the problems that they have had and then for me, I have had the most wonderful life and family. Then we got to talking about why I couldn't have kids and my frustrations with not being able to. I also had told them earlier about the new tattoo that Jana just got and how I am so worried about Chi. Then Patty started to tell me some things that I have never really thought of. First I told her how I have always wanted to have a lot of kids and the perfect life and how I always wanted to be a young mom. I told her that I probably just needed to let go of those things and realize that my life is the way it is supposed to be and that the Lord does have a plan for me. Then she started to say that maybe it was all meant to be this way because of Malachi. That maybe he needed me to be his mommy and to have spent as much time with him as I have and to have come to love him as much as I have. She also said that she was impressed to tell me that one day this will end up helping Malachi stay close to the Lord and that he will need my/our help because of the way his life will be at home. She also said that we needed this time to bond so that he knew how much I loved him no matter what, even if I hadn't given birth to him. That he will always be accepted in our home and he will never be loved any differently than any of our other children. She said that maybe if Ryan and I had started to have kids early that I wouldn' t have had that time to bond with him and he maybe would have become a burden to me. She also said that maybe the children I will end up having will have needed me to be older because of the challenges they will go through in life will require me to be older and more mature and able to help them through their lives for whatever reason they are meant to be here. She said that in her patriarchal blessing she was told that she will be blessed with the ability to say the right thing to help others who are in need. Believe me, I needed that talk because I have never really thought of things that way. That Malachi is my child, I was meant to be his mother and the love I have shown him will be what he needs now and later in life.

It seems as if it has been eternity since I talked to my little boy

He just told me a story about copy and purple spots and yellow strips and something about an itchy tongue. He told me he didn't fall asleep when his teacher was telling him the story and his brain told him to open his eyes. It was so funny. He was so excited to tell me that he has been good at school and that he did what his teacher asked him to do and that he was nice to his friends. He was so excited to tell me and I was glad to hear it but I was mostly excited that he was telling me something that made him happy that day. For some reason, that story made a difference to him, it made his day somehow. So I had to figure out which book it was because, you see, I have limited time to even talk to my little boy. So when most mom's can ask him questions here and there and maybe even perhaps talk to his teacher to find out what book it was, I have to figure it out for myself. But luckily I did find it. It is a book called, The Yellow Paperclip with Bright Purple Spots. I can't wait to find it and to read it. Maybe it could be the beginning of my own story to be told. Who knows?

February 27, 2010

Malachi did the cutest thing the other day. First of all, he has this thing that he loves to exercise. Hopefully he keeps it up. Well of course we have so many different exercise machines in our house because I have been wanting to be thin, well, since forever. How sad is that? I am 32 years old and I still haven't figured that one out. Very sad. Anyway, whenever I go downstairs to change laundry he follows me and always jumps on the treadmill. He was doin it for a while and I didn't want to stay down there any longer so as I was on my way up the stairs he said: "Mom, will you go get me some water before my breath comes out?" Of course I couldn't say no because first of all it was adorable and second of all it was because the last time he was here and I was exercising he made sure that he got me water and wanted me to tell him every time I wanted a drink so that he could give me my cup. Oh how I love and miss my little man!