I just had one of the most meaningful discussions that I have ever had. It was with Patty Johnson, I just served in the Primary with her for the past year and Sunday we were just released. We just went to dinner as a presidency and as we were turning the corner to our street I was just saying how maybe I shouldn't feel so badly that I wasn't able to have babies because I have been so blessed in my life. They were all talking at dinner about their inactive families and the problems that they have had and then for me, I have had the most wonderful life and family. Then we got to talking about why I couldn't have kids and my frustrations with not being able to. I also had told them earlier about the new tattoo that Jana just got and how I am so worried about Chi. Then Patty started to tell me some things that I have never really thought of. First I told her how I have always wanted to have a lot of kids and the perfect life and how I always wanted to be a young mom. I told her that I probably just needed to let go of those things and realize that my life is the way it is supposed to be and that the Lord does have a plan for me. Then she started to say that maybe it was all meant to be this way because of Malachi. That maybe he needed me to be his mommy and to have spent as much time with him as I have and to have come to love him as much as I have. She also said that she was impressed to tell me that one day this will end up helping Malachi stay close to the Lord and that he will need my/our help because of the way his life will be at home. She also said that we needed this time to bond so that he knew how much I loved him no matter what, even if I hadn't given birth to him. That he will always be accepted in our home and he will never be loved any differently than any of our other children. She said that maybe if Ryan and I had started to have kids early that I wouldn' t have had that time to bond with him and he maybe would have become a burden to me. She also said that maybe the children I will end up having will have needed me to be older because of the challenges they will go through in life will require me to be older and more mature and able to help them through their lives for whatever reason they are meant to be here. She said that in her patriarchal blessing she was told that she will be blessed with the ability to say the right thing to help others who are in need. Believe me, I needed that talk because I have never really thought of things that way. That Malachi is my child, I was meant to be his mother and the love I have shown him will be what he needs now and later in life.