It was quite the holiday season. Busy, stressful and full of anxiety. Would you expect anything less from me? I was looking forward to having some time off work and of course I love Christmas time. It has this magical feeling, the one that everyone talks about, but I actually feel it. I love every part of it. I think I love it so much and I try to enjoy it so much that I almost expect too much out of it. I get so excited and want to take it all in and feel like I can't and then I get dissapointed. I need to learn to just enjoy each moment I am in. Have I not quite figured this out yet? Maybe I never will. We spent Christmas Eve with my family and even spent the night at my parents house. Christmas morning was wonderful, as it always is with my family. I do have a wonderful family. My mom always tries to make it so special. She spent way too much money on Ryan and I as she tried to make sure everyone had the same amount of gifts. Andrea passed them around to everyone and we watched everybody as the opened them. It was wonderful to be together. I think it took me back to my childhood and I did love my childhood. But there is always that feeling I get when I am with my family that I just don't quite belong. I am not sure the reason. I think mostly it is that I am more sensitive and less sarcastic than everyone else that I just don't quite fit in. I get the feeling so often that I am looked down upon (from my parents) for being there when I have a husband now. That perhaps I should be at home doing my own thing with him. I don't ever get the opportunity to just be upset, sad or depressed because it just isn't permitted. If you have the gospel in your life you have no reason to ever be upset, sad or depressed. I feel like I can't even be myself or tell anyone how I am feeling because no body wants to hear it. My husband is not part of this. He is the only one I can talk to. Anyway, I don't think they mean to be like this, it is just the way it is. So I guess I feel like they don't even know me and don't know what I am going through. Believe me, I don't mean to feel this way or even like to feel this way but I can't help it. I mean how do you honestly get over the fact that you miss out on every day of your child's life? Why should you even have to get over that? Isn't that something worth being sad over? I mean it is the most horrible feeling you could ever experience. I cannot even begin to describe it but just imagine loving someone with every fiber of your being and not being able to be with them. Not being able to teach them or to experience every day life with. I'm sure there are other things that compare to the pain I feel but for me, this is the most horrific pain I have ever experienced and I experience it every day of my life. But when people tell me to get over it I feel like they are telling me to forget about him. That just isn't fair. Would any body else out there just forget about their child? I would hope not. And so that is my life, every day. And no matter what I try to do to make things better, I always have that lingering in the back of my mind. I have tried to take depression medication but it made me so sick that I only lasted two nights being on it. Anyway, I just feel really alone when it comes to my family. I feel like no body asks me how I am feeling. I feel like my miscarriage was nothing to anyone and that they just forgot about it happening. I have only been asked a handful of times how I was feeling and if I tell them I still am not doing well they tell me to get over it and that one day I will be able to have a baby. I just hate the way they make me feel sometimes. So spending the holidays with them was both sweet and sour. The day after Christmas we left for Vernal at six in the morning. We got there around nine and picked up Malachi. It was so good to be with him but a little tainted because we were not at home in our own element. We got stuck in the messy computer room in which the aero bed barely fit. All the while, Taylor and his little girlfriend are comfortable in the guest bedroom with a door that you can't see through. They spent almost every waking minute in there doing you can only imagine what. Of course Ryan's mom allows it to happen because she has still to this day not figured out how to raise children. Sorry, I am just very bitter and know that some of the issues my husband has is because of them. So we get there and we begin to fix breakfast which hasn't even been planned so Ryan and his Dad have to run to the store to get eggs and milk. They decide to pick up his poor grandma who I know doesn't want to come over because it makes her feel uncomfortable and come on, she is 92 years old. So when they get home while we all are eating breakfast she is stuck in the living room by herself. Finally we get out there to sit with her and we start opening presents which basically only Brinli has presents to open because they gave money to everyone else. Which is fine and I am grateful for it, it was just weird to go from my parents Christmas to this one. But our little Malachi has plenty to open and he is having a blast. Luckily Grandma had and excuse that she needed to get back for lunch and for her medication so we say our goodbyes and she leaves. The rest of the weekend consisted of sitting around, playing games now and then, and watching movies that we could barely hear. We took Malachi sledding on Sunday and of course he hit his head on a fence post. I thought that my baby was going to die. You should have seen how fast and hard he hit that thing. I raced to him as fast as I could and he was bleeding pretty good on his head. I kept worrying that maybe more damage had been done and was convinced that we should take him to the emergency room but Ryan convinced me otherwise and we just watched him very carefully. It soon became evident that he was just fine. He was just as funny, outgoing and witty as he always is. We slept so good that night. I loved being there in that big, soft, king size bed with my little boy right next to me. Although we did get stuck in that room it was comfortable and I was with my two boys which was all that mattered. I was getting sicker by the minute though and was sure I had the flu Sunday night but I prayed and seriously told myself that I would not accept being sick. Never did get the flu but have had a horrible cold for an entire week and it still isn't gone. But I was just so grateful that Malachi was fine and I kept thanking the Lord and apologizing for going sledding on Sunday. He was so scared and in so much pain. He kept crying right after it happened and I am sure I scared him with how much I panicked. I was just so mad at myself and feeling so guilty for being there. Malachi even asked me if we were going to go to church, to Jesus. That means it has been quite a while and I feel bad that he has missed so much of it lately. With the weather and the holidays we haven't been able to get him to church. I feel like a horrible Mother. But I make sure we talk about Jesus all the time and we always say our prayers. In fact there was a night we stayed at my parents once we got home and I was just going to skip prayer because we were so tired and cold and he brought it up and told me he was going to pray. His prayers are the most precious things I have ever heard and he is so close to and loves our Savior. He prayed three times for Fernanda because she was having trouble at school so I asked Malachi to say a prayer for her and he kept asking that she would be happy and get what she wants. He always says that we are doing great and we are doing good and that we are going to see grandma and grandpa. Oh, one day I am going to record it so you can hear how precious and sweet. I hope that the Lord records his prayers so that I can hear them again one day. On Monday we finally were able to head home even though we didn't leave until 4:30. But I tried, believe it or not, to be positive the whole weekend. I just didn't show my true feelings because Ryan was in heaven and he obviously loves his family and loves being with them. I just see things that I am not used to and am very quick to judge. I am not proud of this. Monday night we got home and Malachi immediately wanted to open the rest of his gifts. I felt bad because it wasn't special at all. Taylor and his girfriend were there and the t.v. was on and Ryan was on the computer. It wasn't at all like I had hoped it would be but I guess not having him on the actual day makes things not as perfect. He was disappointed because there wasn't tons to open because we took half of it to Vernal. I remembered that I had two gifts I had forgotten about but once he opened those he was still wondering where more gifts were. I had to have a talk with him about that and told him that he shouldn't be sad, that he should be grateful for what he had because there were a lot of children out there who didn't get any toys. I think he really understood because he stopped sulking immediately.

Breakdowns and Blessings

I had another couple of breakdowns, although for me, that is absolutely normal. The whole audit thing put me in another sphere although we did have Chi for that whole week which made it much better. And having him for Thanksgiving was so wonderful. But then he ends up leaving again and it sets me off. What breaks my heart the most is that he tells me that he doesn't want to go back and that he wants to stay here with me. I try to be positive and tell him that he has to go back because Mommy Jana misses him and that he has to go back to school. Then Ryan and I try to think of something positive and exciting to tell him that we will do when he comes again. You should have seen his face today as we were in the car driving to fruitland. I think he is starting to really, really understand the difference between both places. His face was heartbreaking. He even got tears in his eyes. I kept saying that I was sorry and then Ryan told me not to make it worse for him so I immediately started talking about Santa Clause and that we were going to save the presents that Santa brings him and keep them under the tree for when he comes again. I also told him that he would be able to stay longer since we will hopefully have him for most of the week after Christmas. I know he knows how sad I get when he is gone. I found out the other day that Brent's wedding is the same day as Ryan's graduation. I was and am still devastated. Well, mostly I think I am just plain mad. Mad that Ryan won't get the attention and support that he deserves and mad that I won't be able to give Brent and Ashley the support they deserve. The whole thing sucks and every time I think about it my blood boils. I called my mom on Friday as I was driving home from picking up Chi to complain to her about it. I told her that my life sucked. She didn't give me much consolation and just kind of repeated what I had said in a question. But it was a condescending question. Oh, your life sucks huh? As a matter of fact...yes it does. At least that is what I feel sometimes. I mean in nobody elses life would their husbands graduation be on the same day as their brothers wedding. Only Nicole's life because for some reason it always just seems to be so complicated. Anyway, after I hung up the phone with her I started crying. Malachi noticed and he asked me why I was crying. I was honest and told him that I was sad. He asked me if I was sad because he was away from me. I didn't say yes because I don't want him to ever get the picture of me crying while he is away so I was honest and told him that it was because Brent was getting married the same day that Daddy graduated. He just said, Oh. Not that he understands that at all. But of course part of the crying was because of him and because I miss him so and because I can relate to nobody and I mean absolutely nobody. Just in the past week Clarisse has told me three times, "Oh, just wait till you have kids." or, "it will be different when you have kids." And even Darcy slipped and said that I love Malachi almost as much as I will my other children. And even my parents don't seem to care at all that their daughters heart breaks every day of her life and that no matter what I do or where I go I have this overwhelming feeling of sadness inside me. It is the most horrible feeling to feel completely and utterly alone. I mean to know that nobody knows how you feel is very discouraging. Fernanda even asked me one day if I will feel differently about Chi when I do have children. Come on people! Just because I didn't give birth to him doesn't mean I don't love him just as much as you love your children. Just because he doesn't live with me full time doesn't mean that he is any less of a child to me. I just hate it and I get so mad. The only person I can really talk to is Ryan and he just tells me that people are ignorant because they haven't walked in my shoes and they really have no idea what it is like. Well ok, I get that but do you people really have to be so rude? I would never try to assume anything about anyone if I had never been through what they have. It is just plain rude and ignorant and ridiculous. I am so hurt and I feel so alone and mostly don't want to have any friends or do anything with anyone because I truly feel so alone. I can't even say that Ryan truly knows what I am going through because nobody insults him that way. Because he is Malachi's "real father". Yes I know we miss him the same and we love him the same. of that I know Ryan knows and that is a huge comfort, but it is just different and Ryan will even admit that. He still gets full credit and all I get is the look of the "step mother." And why do I even care what people think? I am not sure and maybe I wouldn't even care if they just kept their stupid opinions to themselves. I wish I could teach a class about tact and friendship and the caring of another human being. So I guess that is basically why I have had breakdown and why I believe that my life sucks. However I do know that I am very blessed. And when I put everyone else's opinion to the side I feel very blessed to have Malachi. He is my life and my joy and my everything. If all I ever have is him and Ryan and will be able to count myself very luck. And the Lord knows that I am thankful. Believe me, I tell him at least twice a day how thankful I am and I apologize at least twice a day for my pity parties. I ask him all the time what is wrong with feeling sorry for yourself as long as you recognize the blessings you do have? And I hate comparing myself to other peoples sad life because I know there is always going to be someone out there who has a worse life than I do. I know that and I care but then again I don't because that is their life and there is nothing I can do about it. Of course I feel bad for them and realize that I am blessed but that doesn't make my trials and less significant. I do know that there are so many more things that I can do to make sure that the things I pray for will come to pass. I give up daily on my goals and hope that one day I will finally follow through with what I have to do. Thank goodness their is forgiveness.

Well before I go I just wanted to write down all the fun things we did with Chi this past weekend. I picked him up and on the way home I kept thinking of some things that we could do with him to have fun. It was either take him to Ogden to see the lights or go to dinner and a movie. So Ryan and I decided on the dinner and movie until we looked at our bank account and realized it probably wouldn't be a smart choice. We both took it out on each other for a while but then thankfully we pulled our head out and thought of our child. I suggested that we stay in, make a yummy dinner at home and watch all of the old Christmas video cassettes that were handed down to Chi from my family. Malachi was in the shower when we decided on this so when he got out I wanted to make it seem like it was going to be so fun so in a really excited voice I told him that we were going to get in our jammies and make dinner and turn on our Christmas tree lights and light a fire and watch all of his cartoons. He got the biggest smile on his face and his eyes lit up and I knew that we had made the right choice. And it was ablsolutely amazing. The house felt so calm and peaceful (I made Ryan help me tidy up really fast). He had fun helping Daddy make a fire and we just enjoyed each other's company and had one of the most amazing nights I have ever had. I think we will definitely make that a tradition from now on. We then read books, brushed teeth and went to bed. He did know what was awaiting him the next day too because it was our first annual graham cracker house making day at my parents house. The whole morning while Ryan was at the airport studying Chi and I played in the snow, shoveled the walks, cleaned the house, decorated the house, cut Chi's hair and then finally got ready to go. We had such a blast and my parents and I kind of got too caught up in having the perfect house that I didn't help Chi enough or seem as excited with what he was doing as I should have. Next year I will be better and not so into my own house. Which by the way it ended up crashing down right as I was decorating it. Then when we were done we attempted to go down town to watch The Testaments and to see the lights but their were so many things going on down there that it was literally bumper to bumper everywhere you went. Finally we all decided to ditch that plan and we ended up at Leatherbees on North Temple. Kind of scary but it was fun to be together. And then we we came home we watched another Christmas movie and went to bed. Sunday we were supposed to take him home but the weather was so bad we got another extra day with him. We sat around the whole day, he played the computer a lot. We wrote a letter to Santa, we watched movies and I told him the story of Christ's birth and read him part of Luke 2. It was a wonderful weekend. We ended it by falling asleep on the couch in front of the Christmas tree. Oh and I forgot on the the way home from ice cream that night we stopped at Layton Park and saw the lights there. It was a pretty warm night and we ended up having a snowball fight and Chi and I conquered pulling DAddy down into the snow. We laughed so hard. I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. I really needed that. I hope it is a night that Chi never forgets because I know I truly won't. We even got some pictures. Imagine that!

Simple yet the sweetest

Everytime Chi comes Ryan and I get so excited and so anxious to make every moment count that we feel the need to spend lots of money doing extra special things. Well tonight after we discussed the fact that we barely have enough money to pay our mortgage (and that means going into our line of credit), taking Chi to dinner and a movie didn't seem like such a good idea. In fact for a moment I got so mad that I told Ryan I was going to bed. I layed in bed for a mere minute as I listened to my little boy sing as he showered. I realized that having this attitude was only going to ruin the night for everyone. He yelled soon after, telling me that he was ready to get out. I met Ryan in the bathroom as we both scrambled for a towel. I then looked into my husbands eyes and suggested that we stay in, make some yummy tacos and watch the timeless Christmas cartoons that were gathering dust on Chi's shelf. It immediately put a smile on Ryan's face and I knew I had made up for my earlier tantrum. Just to make things seem even better I led my little boy into room as I gathered his underwear and jammies. I looked into his eyes and very excitedly said, "Guess What?" Of course he answered just as excitedly, "What?" I continued, "We are all going to get in our jammies, mommy is going to make a yummy dinner, and we are going to watch all of these Christmas movies of yours." All he said was, "Yah!" and then he smiled his sweet smile. He was so excited! He had no clue that we had just cancelled our $50 plus night on the town because what we planned instead meant more to him than any restaurant or theater could. He ate a huge taco, he and daddy built a fire together, we turned on the Christmas tree and we watched movie after movie. One of the movies happened to be The Little Drummer Boy and we were even able to meantion the Savior in our little night together. After the movies we practiced Chi's letters and read books by the fire. It was one of the best nights I have ever had. Turns out that spending nothing meant spending everything with my precious little family.