Breakdowns and Blessings

I had another couple of breakdowns, although for me, that is absolutely normal. The whole audit thing put me in another sphere although we did have Chi for that whole week which made it much better. And having him for Thanksgiving was so wonderful. But then he ends up leaving again and it sets me off. What breaks my heart the most is that he tells me that he doesn't want to go back and that he wants to stay here with me. I try to be positive and tell him that he has to go back because Mommy Jana misses him and that he has to go back to school. Then Ryan and I try to think of something positive and exciting to tell him that we will do when he comes again. You should have seen his face today as we were in the car driving to fruitland. I think he is starting to really, really understand the difference between both places. His face was heartbreaking. He even got tears in his eyes. I kept saying that I was sorry and then Ryan told me not to make it worse for him so I immediately started talking about Santa Clause and that we were going to save the presents that Santa brings him and keep them under the tree for when he comes again. I also told him that he would be able to stay longer since we will hopefully have him for most of the week after Christmas. I know he knows how sad I get when he is gone. I found out the other day that Brent's wedding is the same day as Ryan's graduation. I was and am still devastated. Well, mostly I think I am just plain mad. Mad that Ryan won't get the attention and support that he deserves and mad that I won't be able to give Brent and Ashley the support they deserve. The whole thing sucks and every time I think about it my blood boils. I called my mom on Friday as I was driving home from picking up Chi to complain to her about it. I told her that my life sucked. She didn't give me much consolation and just kind of repeated what I had said in a question. But it was a condescending question. Oh, your life sucks huh? As a matter of fact...yes it does. At least that is what I feel sometimes. I mean in nobody elses life would their husbands graduation be on the same day as their brothers wedding. Only Nicole's life because for some reason it always just seems to be so complicated. Anyway, after I hung up the phone with her I started crying. Malachi noticed and he asked me why I was crying. I was honest and told him that I was sad. He asked me if I was sad because he was away from me. I didn't say yes because I don't want him to ever get the picture of me crying while he is away so I was honest and told him that it was because Brent was getting married the same day that Daddy graduated. He just said, Oh. Not that he understands that at all. But of course part of the crying was because of him and because I miss him so and because I can relate to nobody and I mean absolutely nobody. Just in the past week Clarisse has told me three times, "Oh, just wait till you have kids." or, "it will be different when you have kids." And even Darcy slipped and said that I love Malachi almost as much as I will my other children. And even my parents don't seem to care at all that their daughters heart breaks every day of her life and that no matter what I do or where I go I have this overwhelming feeling of sadness inside me. It is the most horrible feeling to feel completely and utterly alone. I mean to know that nobody knows how you feel is very discouraging. Fernanda even asked me one day if I will feel differently about Chi when I do have children. Come on people! Just because I didn't give birth to him doesn't mean I don't love him just as much as you love your children. Just because he doesn't live with me full time doesn't mean that he is any less of a child to me. I just hate it and I get so mad. The only person I can really talk to is Ryan and he just tells me that people are ignorant because they haven't walked in my shoes and they really have no idea what it is like. Well ok, I get that but do you people really have to be so rude? I would never try to assume anything about anyone if I had never been through what they have. It is just plain rude and ignorant and ridiculous. I am so hurt and I feel so alone and mostly don't want to have any friends or do anything with anyone because I truly feel so alone. I can't even say that Ryan truly knows what I am going through because nobody insults him that way. Because he is Malachi's "real father". Yes I know we miss him the same and we love him the same. of that I know Ryan knows and that is a huge comfort, but it is just different and Ryan will even admit that. He still gets full credit and all I get is the look of the "step mother." And why do I even care what people think? I am not sure and maybe I wouldn't even care if they just kept their stupid opinions to themselves. I wish I could teach a class about tact and friendship and the caring of another human being. So I guess that is basically why I have had breakdown and why I believe that my life sucks. However I do know that I am very blessed. And when I put everyone else's opinion to the side I feel very blessed to have Malachi. He is my life and my joy and my everything. If all I ever have is him and Ryan and will be able to count myself very luck. And the Lord knows that I am thankful. Believe me, I tell him at least twice a day how thankful I am and I apologize at least twice a day for my pity parties. I ask him all the time what is wrong with feeling sorry for yourself as long as you recognize the blessings you do have? And I hate comparing myself to other peoples sad life because I know there is always going to be someone out there who has a worse life than I do. I know that and I care but then again I don't because that is their life and there is nothing I can do about it. Of course I feel bad for them and realize that I am blessed but that doesn't make my trials and less significant. I do know that there are so many more things that I can do to make sure that the things I pray for will come to pass. I give up daily on my goals and hope that one day I will finally follow through with what I have to do. Thank goodness their is forgiveness.

Well before I go I just wanted to write down all the fun things we did with Chi this past weekend. I picked him up and on the way home I kept thinking of some things that we could do with him to have fun. It was either take him to Ogden to see the lights or go to dinner and a movie. So Ryan and I decided on the dinner and movie until we looked at our bank account and realized it probably wouldn't be a smart choice. We both took it out on each other for a while but then thankfully we pulled our head out and thought of our child. I suggested that we stay in, make a yummy dinner at home and watch all of the old Christmas video cassettes that were handed down to Chi from my family. Malachi was in the shower when we decided on this so when he got out I wanted to make it seem like it was going to be so fun so in a really excited voice I told him that we were going to get in our jammies and make dinner and turn on our Christmas tree lights and light a fire and watch all of his cartoons. He got the biggest smile on his face and his eyes lit up and I knew that we had made the right choice. And it was ablsolutely amazing. The house felt so calm and peaceful (I made Ryan help me tidy up really fast). He had fun helping Daddy make a fire and we just enjoyed each other's company and had one of the most amazing nights I have ever had. I think we will definitely make that a tradition from now on. We then read books, brushed teeth and went to bed. He did know what was awaiting him the next day too because it was our first annual graham cracker house making day at my parents house. The whole morning while Ryan was at the airport studying Chi and I played in the snow, shoveled the walks, cleaned the house, decorated the house, cut Chi's hair and then finally got ready to go. We had such a blast and my parents and I kind of got too caught up in having the perfect house that I didn't help Chi enough or seem as excited with what he was doing as I should have. Next year I will be better and not so into my own house. Which by the way it ended up crashing down right as I was decorating it. Then when we were done we attempted to go down town to watch The Testaments and to see the lights but their were so many things going on down there that it was literally bumper to bumper everywhere you went. Finally we all decided to ditch that plan and we ended up at Leatherbees on North Temple. Kind of scary but it was fun to be together. And then we we came home we watched another Christmas movie and went to bed. Sunday we were supposed to take him home but the weather was so bad we got another extra day with him. We sat around the whole day, he played the computer a lot. We wrote a letter to Santa, we watched movies and I told him the story of Christ's birth and read him part of Luke 2. It was a wonderful weekend. We ended it by falling asleep on the couch in front of the Christmas tree. Oh and I forgot on the the way home from ice cream that night we stopped at Layton Park and saw the lights there. It was a pretty warm night and we ended up having a snowball fight and Chi and I conquered pulling DAddy down into the snow. We laughed so hard. I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. I really needed that. I hope it is a night that Chi never forgets because I know I truly won't. We even got some pictures. Imagine that!