It was quite the holiday season. Busy, stressful and full of anxiety. Would you expect anything less from me? I was looking forward to having some time off work and of course I love Christmas time. It has this magical feeling, the one that everyone talks about, but I actually feel it. I love every part of it. I think I love it so much and I try to enjoy it so much that I almost expect too much out of it. I get so excited and want to take it all in and feel like I can't and then I get dissapointed. I need to learn to just enjoy each moment I am in. Have I not quite figured this out yet? Maybe I never will. We spent Christmas Eve with my family and even spent the night at my parents house. Christmas morning was wonderful, as it always is with my family. I do have a wonderful family. My mom always tries to make it so special. She spent way too much money on Ryan and I as she tried to make sure everyone had the same amount of gifts. Andrea passed them around to everyone and we watched everybody as the opened them. It was wonderful to be together. I think it took me back to my childhood and I did love my childhood. But there is always that feeling I get when I am with my family that I just don't quite belong. I am not sure the reason. I think mostly it is that I am more sensitive and less sarcastic than everyone else that I just don't quite fit in. I get the feeling so often that I am looked down upon (from my parents) for being there when I have a husband now. That perhaps I should be at home doing my own thing with him. I don't ever get the opportunity to just be upset, sad or depressed because it just isn't permitted. If you have the gospel in your life you have no reason to ever be upset, sad or depressed. I feel like I can't even be myself or tell anyone how I am feeling because no body wants to hear it. My husband is not part of this. He is the only one I can talk to. Anyway, I don't think they mean to be like this, it is just the way it is. So I guess I feel like they don't even know me and don't know what I am going through. Believe me, I don't mean to feel this way or even like to feel this way but I can't help it. I mean how do you honestly get over the fact that you miss out on every day of your child's life? Why should you even have to get over that? Isn't that something worth being sad over? I mean it is the most horrible feeling you could ever experience. I cannot even begin to describe it but just imagine loving someone with every fiber of your being and not being able to be with them. Not being able to teach them or to experience every day life with. I'm sure there are other things that compare to the pain I feel but for me, this is the most horrific pain I have ever experienced and I experience it every day of my life. But when people tell me to get over it I feel like they are telling me to forget about him. That just isn't fair. Would any body else out there just forget about their child? I would hope not. And so that is my life, every day. And no matter what I try to do to make things better, I always have that lingering in the back of my mind. I have tried to take depression medication but it made me so sick that I only lasted two nights being on it. Anyway, I just feel really alone when it comes to my family. I feel like no body asks me how I am feeling. I feel like my miscarriage was nothing to anyone and that they just forgot about it happening. I have only been asked a handful of times how I was feeling and if I tell them I still am not doing well they tell me to get over it and that one day I will be able to have a baby. I just hate the way they make me feel sometimes. So spending the holidays with them was both sweet and sour. The day after Christmas we left for Vernal at six in the morning. We got there around nine and picked up Malachi. It was so good to be with him but a little tainted because we were not at home in our own element. We got stuck in the messy computer room in which the aero bed barely fit. All the while, Taylor and his little girlfriend are comfortable in the guest bedroom with a door that you can't see through. They spent almost every waking minute in there doing you can only imagine what. Of course Ryan's mom allows it to happen because she has still to this day not figured out how to raise children. Sorry, I am just very bitter and know that some of the issues my husband has is because of them. So we get there and we begin to fix breakfast which hasn't even been planned so Ryan and his Dad have to run to the store to get eggs and milk. They decide to pick up his poor grandma who I know doesn't want to come over because it makes her feel uncomfortable and come on, she is 92 years old. So when they get home while we all are eating breakfast she is stuck in the living room by herself. Finally we get out there to sit with her and we start opening presents which basically only Brinli has presents to open because they gave money to everyone else. Which is fine and I am grateful for it, it was just weird to go from my parents Christmas to this one. But our little Malachi has plenty to open and he is having a blast. Luckily Grandma had and excuse that she needed to get back for lunch and for her medication so we say our goodbyes and she leaves. The rest of the weekend consisted of sitting around, playing games now and then, and watching movies that we could barely hear. We took Malachi sledding on Sunday and of course he hit his head on a fence post. I thought that my baby was going to die. You should have seen how fast and hard he hit that thing. I raced to him as fast as I could and he was bleeding pretty good on his head. I kept worrying that maybe more damage had been done and was convinced that we should take him to the emergency room but Ryan convinced me otherwise and we just watched him very carefully. It soon became evident that he was just fine. He was just as funny, outgoing and witty as he always is. We slept so good that night. I loved being there in that big, soft, king size bed with my little boy right next to me. Although we did get stuck in that room it was comfortable and I was with my two boys which was all that mattered. I was getting sicker by the minute though and was sure I had the flu Sunday night but I prayed and seriously told myself that I would not accept being sick. Never did get the flu but have had a horrible cold for an entire week and it still isn't gone. But I was just so grateful that Malachi was fine and I kept thanking the Lord and apologizing for going sledding on Sunday. He was so scared and in so much pain. He kept crying right after it happened and I am sure I scared him with how much I panicked. I was just so mad at myself and feeling so guilty for being there. Malachi even asked me if we were going to go to church, to Jesus. That means it has been quite a while and I feel bad that he has missed so much of it lately. With the weather and the holidays we haven't been able to get him to church. I feel like a horrible Mother. But I make sure we talk about Jesus all the time and we always say our prayers. In fact there was a night we stayed at my parents once we got home and I was just going to skip prayer because we were so tired and cold and he brought it up and told me he was going to pray. His prayers are the most precious things I have ever heard and he is so close to and loves our Savior. He prayed three times for Fernanda because she was having trouble at school so I asked Malachi to say a prayer for her and he kept asking that she would be happy and get what she wants. He always says that we are doing great and we are doing good and that we are going to see grandma and grandpa. Oh, one day I am going to record it so you can hear how precious and sweet. I hope that the Lord records his prayers so that I can hear them again one day. On Monday we finally were able to head home even though we didn't leave until 4:30. But I tried, believe it or not, to be positive the whole weekend. I just didn't show my true feelings because Ryan was in heaven and he obviously loves his family and loves being with them. I just see things that I am not used to and am very quick to judge. I am not proud of this. Monday night we got home and Malachi immediately wanted to open the rest of his gifts. I felt bad because it wasn't special at all. Taylor and his girfriend were there and the t.v. was on and Ryan was on the computer. It wasn't at all like I had hoped it would be but I guess not having him on the actual day makes things not as perfect. He was disappointed because there wasn't tons to open because we took half of it to Vernal. I remembered that I had two gifts I had forgotten about but once he opened those he was still wondering where more gifts were. I had to have a talk with him about that and told him that he shouldn't be sad, that he should be grateful for what he had because there were a lot of children out there who didn't get any toys. I think he really understood because he stopped sulking immediately.