I can't rememember a time in my life where I have felt so hurt and helpless and frustrated and mad and sad and angry and just feeling like nothing is fair in this life. It all started on Saturday, June 26th. Ryan called Jana to make sure she was still planning on meeting us with Chi so that our next two weeks with him this summer could start. She was planning on it and then proceeded to tell Ryan that (not sure when this happened the week before, she didn't give complete details) Chalet and Malachi wanted Arby's for lunch one day so she left Malachi home with Chalet, and Caitlyn while she drove up to Arby's. While she was gone a parole officer showed up at her house. Not sure who the parole officer was coming to check up on either. So of course the parole officer knocks on the door and finds Malachi there alone. So what Malachi tells us is that two or three other police officers showed up at the house and then Jana came home. Jana told Ryan not to be surprised if someone contacted him from the police department. Well, we were of course in shock. I started crying because I was so upset to think that she would do such a thing. I would never in my life leave Malachi home alone, especially with a four year old and a nine month old. I don't even let him play in the front yard by himself. I always sit on the front porch or do yard work when he is outside. I don't trust anyone these days and I would never put him in any situation of harm or accident. I just kept wondering what was going through her mind. What kind of mother does that. Well, we started asking Malachi little questions about what had happened. He told us that Chalet and Caitlin were asleep and that "mom" left to get lunch. He said he was at home playing the Wii or something. Then he said there was a knock on the door and a police man was there and he said "is your mom home." He said no. Then the police officer asked, "is your dad home?" He said no. Then he didn't give a lot of detail other than he said when the police left Jana came in his room and said that if the police ever took her to jail that he would be alone and wouldn't have any food to eat unless he made it himself. We were sitting at the Training Table at dinner while he was telling us this part. Ryan's mom was with us and she thankfully told Malachi not to worry, that he would never be alone, that he would always have someone to take care of him, that he would always have food to eat and that he should never try to make his own dinner unless it was just something he could find in the fridge like cheese or bread. She made sure to tell him that he should never try to make anything on the stove. Once again I couldn't believe that she would tell him such a thing. Why would you try to scare your child and almost make him feel like it was his fault for letting the police inside. But lets remember now, Malachi is six years old. SIX. I am so angry right now as I type this. Right after Ryan got off the phone with Jana we just stared at each other. I told Ryan that he better do something drastic. That she needs to be prosecuted, she can't get away with this. So on Monday he called DCFS. At that point they still hadn't received a report from the police department. They still took his report and said that they would open an investigation and check in on the house. So we enjoyed our two weeks with Malachi and waited to hear something and never did. On Friday, July 9th Ryan called DCFS again to check up but the guy he talked to before, Chris, wasn't there and the lady he spoke with gave him limited information. All she told him was that there was an investigation going on. The day or two before that I called my cousin who is a lawyer to ask him for advice. He is a corporate lawyer though and he referred me to his sister who is a family lawyer. His phone was breaking up so the next day he called me and left me a message with his email address and asked me to mail him the divorce decree and then said he would give me his sister's information. On Monday, July 12th, I emailed him. I told him that I wasn't able to scan the divorce decree but asked him if I could just get his sisters information so that I could ask her some questions. He emailed me back and then yesterday I called her. I was angry with myself for waiting for so long. Ryan and I have been so worried for the past two and a half weeks and we feel so helpless and scared and don't know what to do. We have had it so good with Jana. She meets us half way every time. She always lets us keep him extra in the summer and when he is on school vacation and when we have something in Salt Lake that we want him to be to. For that we are very grateful and never wanted to rock the boat or make her unhappy. It wasn't until just recently that we started questioning her ability to be a good mother. A couple of months ago I was on my way to pick him up from her and while I was entering Heber she called me and told me she couldn't find him anywhere. She said that he wasn't at the three normal houses he normally plays at. I let her go so she could continue to search for him. I was so angry at her. Why was she letting him roam the neighborhood freely? How is it that she didn't know where her six year old was at all times? In this world? With what people do to children these days? Why would she do that? After about five minutes I tried and tried to call her back. I finally reached her after probably 10 or 15 minutes. I even called Ryan and my friend Darcy to tell them what she had done. After reaching her she told me that she finally found him and that he was just at someone elses home. I believe this was in March and it was still very cold at this time. I remember pulling him out of her durango. He had on a T-shirt that went to his knees, jeans and flip flops. I asked her if he had a coat and she said no that she just grabbed him the way he was because she was already so late. Again, I was in shock. So not only was she letting him roam the neighborhood freely but she was letting him do it while it was freezing outside with no coat and flip-flops? I was furious! This was the first instant that really made me that angry. But now she has left him at home alone with his sisters and to top it all off. On Sunday, July 11th. We dropped him off at 5 pm in Fruitland. She didn't have a booster seat for either him or Chalet. I was in shock and so angry at her. We should have offered her our booster but didn't. I just couldn't believe that she would do that, especially now after everything else that had happened. We didn't know what to do. We shouldn't have let him go with her. I told Ryan right after we left that we should call the police to tell them. We didn't and I am so ashamed. Thankfully she buckled him up but still, what if she would have gotten into an accident. Now, back to my phone call with the Lawyer. I called Kim Hansen yesterday and told her everything. I wanted to know if she thought it was worth persuing, if we should prosecute and if she thought we had a chance. She told me that the things she had done so far were very serious and that we definitely had a right to call the police to get more information. To find out if they were planning on prosecuting and if not that we could push them to. She said we could also call the courts and have them give us temporary custody of him while they investigate and start the process. She understood our worries that if we didn't win the battle it would cause major strife between us and Jana and that of course we didn't want that because after all it is the happiness of Malachi that is most important. I completely feel that and that is why we never fight with her, we just try to be civil and kind to one another. In fact she has written me numerous emails thanking me and telling me how grateful she is that I love him just as much as she does. We are friends and she tells me her problems with Martin's step children and his ex-wife and their money problems. She has told me how depressed she is and that she had increased her depression medication. All of this led us to finally yesterday where Ryan called the police department and guess what? They don't even have record what happened? Can you believet this? They don't have record. At first i thought that maybe she had made it up. Maybe it was her way of asking for help. Maybe she was doing all of these things so that we would ask her to give him to us or that we would try to take him from her. I even asked Ryan if he thought she would make it up and he didn't know but then, I remembered Malachi giving me so many details of the police showing up. A six year old would or could never make that up. Never. So why? Why was it not reported? What kind of police officer would not report such a horrible thing? How could they live with themselves knowing that they didn't report something that was so neglectful? A mother, leaving her children at home, alone, while she went to get food? Really? I am just so angry. I love Malachi more than I have ever loved anyone in this life. I have been in his life since he was one year old. I am his mommy. He will tell you that. Jana will tell you that. I only want what is best for him and he is not being given that. Justice is not being served for those poor children. What can we do? Ryan asked if maybe a different force, like the sherrifs office was the one who responded. The lady told him that it wasn't likely that it would have had to have been the Vernal police department. I swear I will get to the bottom of this. I don't want to cause problems but I want to know that my son is safe. That he is being taken care of the way he should be when we can't be there. He deserves so much. He is so beautiful. He is so precious. Everyone loves him who meets him. He deserves more than what he is given. It is so unfair. I can't sleep at night and this is all I can think of and the worst part of it all is that I feel so helpless. I don't know what to do. I don't know who to turn to. Why was it not reported? His life with us is so much better. His room is beautiful, our house is clean and peaceful. He doesn't get kicked out of his room like he does at their house so that Martin's daughter and her husband can come live with them. They also smoke and Malachi has very sensitive lungs. In fact I took him to the doctor a month ago and they are almost certain that he has Asthma. I am taking him to see a specialist when he comes back in two weeks. He shouldn't be around that. I remember picking him up about a month and a half ago in Salt Lake. They had come to Salt Lake for the weekend and when I pulled him out of the car he reaked so badly of smoke. I asked him if they were smoking in the car because I was certain of it. How could he smell so badly? He told me they weren't but that they smoke outside. He told me that his mom smoked too. Not only is second hand smoke deadly for a child but even worse for a child with asthma. Tell me where this child is better off, tell me?

Sleep Well My Love

I was reading a blog tonight and it said that children replay the last thing they experience or hear over and over as they fall asleep. This made me smile and so grateful that I can be proud to say that we have a family prayer each night before we go to bed, I always turn on primary songs that replay the entire night and that I lay with him for a few minutes as he settles down for the night. And of course that the last thing he hears me say is "I love you".

Funny Malachi

Calling me Nycole
still calls me that ...he is so hilarious

asks me what my name is so I tell him mom and he says no, it's nicole...nycole...hehehe

he called me the other day and it was so sad...he said, mom...i am way, way, way, way, way sick. and he really was. i told him that i wished i could be there to take care of him. he asked me how long it would be before he came to our house and i told him one day. he said he wished he could stay with us for a really long time.

i am feeling guilty about how fast the weekends go. we try so hard to do fun things with him so we can make the best of every moment. on sunday we went to the layton park and he was having so much fun but we had to cut it short to meet jana in salt lake. his face was so sad and you could tell he was so frustrated inside. he kept telling me that he didn't want to go with jana. i felt so bad for ripping him away from fun. i kep trying to be positive and tell him he would be fine. so then he finally changed his mind and said that he did want to go back to jana so that she wouldn't be sad and cry. he is so thoughtful. he always thinks about others and he is only 6.

he wanted to try to fly his kite that he got for easter. well of course there is never enough wind when you want to fly a kite. he made me go outside in the back yard to try to fly it. when he realized that there really wasn't enough wind he runs inside and comes out with the fan. i had to laugh but also thought it was so sweet and so smart of him to think of that. we plugged it in the carport and even though i knew it wouldn't work and tried to tell him that i at least had to let him try. so we tried quite a few times and then i went back inside and let him play more outside. the next thing i hear is a load crack and then more cracking. then all i hear is him say i am so sorry mom. im sorry. i'm sorry. i went outside and saw the blades on the fan cracking, breaking and flying everywhere. of course i was upset and tried so hard not to get mad but i had to ask him what he did because i couldn't believe he broke it so fast and easily. he kept telling me he didn't put anything in it. i told him he had to have put something in it. finally he told me he put a leaf in it which didn't made sense to me but i couldn't see anything else around it that he might have put in it. i didn't act too mad but told him that he had to buy us a new one. he immediately ran to his room and grabbed his wallet. he came out of his room in a panic saying: mom my quarter and pennies are gone. somehow he had lost them and he was so upset. I told him that he was going to have to earn the money to buy a new fan. he asked me how much it was and how he would earn money. i told him that he had to help me with things and that he had to clean his room. he agreed immediately and kept bringing it up. we didn't have time to clean it that day but as i laid with him at bed time he told me again how he was going to clean his room to earn some money so he could buy us a new fan. he is such a sweet amazing boy.

we played games a couple weekends ago at darcy and ryans while ryan was at his qb meeting. malachi always loves to play games and when he saw that we were playing he immediately stopped what he was doing so that he could play with us. we started playing blockust and every time he put in a piece he would tell the person im going to blockust you. it was so hilarious!

Happy Quotes

Found this quote from my favorite blog right now. The lettered cottage.

Every woman should have

Enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own, even if she never wants to or needs to.Something perfect to wear if the employer, or date of her dreams, wants to see her in an hour. A youth she's content to leave behind. A past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age. A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra.One friend who always makes her laugh...

...and one who lets her cry.A good piece of furniture, not previously owned by anyone else in her family.Eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored. A feeling of control over her destiny.How to fall in love without losing herself. How to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship. When to try harder...and when to walk away. That she can't change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents.That her childhood may not have been perfect...but it's over.What she would and wouldn't do for love.How to live alone...even if she doesn't like it.Whom she can trust, whom she can't, and why she shouldn't take it personally. Where to go when her soul needs soothing; be it to her best friend's kitchen table, or a charming Inn in the woods.

What she can and can't accomplish in a day...a month...a year.

Also found these great quotes:

She listened to her heart above all other voices
She turned her cant's into cans and her dreams into plans
She saw every ending as a new beginning
By Kobi Yamada

Be joyful always;
Pray Continually;
Give thanks in all circumstances
Thessalonians 5:16-18

Song by Lee Brice

Love Like Crazy Lyrics
they called them crazy when they started outsaid 17 to young to know what loves aboutthey've been together 58 years nowthats crazyhe brought home 67 bucks a weekbought a little two bedroom house on maple streetwhere she blessed him with 6 more mouths to feedthats crazyjust ask him how he did ithe'll say pull up a seat it'll only take a minute to tell you everything(chorus)be your best friendtell the truthand over use i love yougo to workdo your bestdont out smart your common sensenever let your prayin knees get lazyand love like crazythey called him crazy when he quit his jobsellin home computers boy they'll never take offwell he sold his one man shop to microsoftand they paid like crazyjust ask him how he made ithe'll tell you faith and sweatand the heart of a faithful woman who never let him forget(chorus)be your best friendtell the truthand over use i love yougo to workdo your bestdont out smart your common sensenever let your prayin knees get lazyand love like crazyalways treat your woman like a ladynever get to old to call her babynever let your prayin knees get lazyand love like crazythey called them when they started outthey've been together 58 years nowaint that crazy

One day I want to do something with all the great quotes I have found like post them in my office somehow.

I just had one of the most meaningful discussions that I have ever had. It was with Patty Johnson, I just served in the Primary with her for the past year and Sunday we were just released. We just went to dinner as a presidency and as we were turning the corner to our street I was just saying how maybe I shouldn't feel so badly that I wasn't able to have babies because I have been so blessed in my life. They were all talking at dinner about their inactive families and the problems that they have had and then for me, I have had the most wonderful life and family. Then we got to talking about why I couldn't have kids and my frustrations with not being able to. I also had told them earlier about the new tattoo that Jana just got and how I am so worried about Chi. Then Patty started to tell me some things that I have never really thought of. First I told her how I have always wanted to have a lot of kids and the perfect life and how I always wanted to be a young mom. I told her that I probably just needed to let go of those things and realize that my life is the way it is supposed to be and that the Lord does have a plan for me. Then she started to say that maybe it was all meant to be this way because of Malachi. That maybe he needed me to be his mommy and to have spent as much time with him as I have and to have come to love him as much as I have. She also said that she was impressed to tell me that one day this will end up helping Malachi stay close to the Lord and that he will need my/our help because of the way his life will be at home. She also said that we needed this time to bond so that he knew how much I loved him no matter what, even if I hadn't given birth to him. That he will always be accepted in our home and he will never be loved any differently than any of our other children. She said that maybe if Ryan and I had started to have kids early that I wouldn' t have had that time to bond with him and he maybe would have become a burden to me. She also said that maybe the children I will end up having will have needed me to be older because of the challenges they will go through in life will require me to be older and more mature and able to help them through their lives for whatever reason they are meant to be here. She said that in her patriarchal blessing she was told that she will be blessed with the ability to say the right thing to help others who are in need. Believe me, I needed that talk because I have never really thought of things that way. That Malachi is my child, I was meant to be his mother and the love I have shown him will be what he needs now and later in life.

It seems as if it has been eternity since I talked to my little boy

He just told me a story about copy and purple spots and yellow strips and something about an itchy tongue. He told me he didn't fall asleep when his teacher was telling him the story and his brain told him to open his eyes. It was so funny. He was so excited to tell me that he has been good at school and that he did what his teacher asked him to do and that he was nice to his friends. He was so excited to tell me and I was glad to hear it but I was mostly excited that he was telling me something that made him happy that day. For some reason, that story made a difference to him, it made his day somehow. So I had to figure out which book it was because, you see, I have limited time to even talk to my little boy. So when most mom's can ask him questions here and there and maybe even perhaps talk to his teacher to find out what book it was, I have to figure it out for myself. But luckily I did find it. It is a book called, The Yellow Paperclip with Bright Purple Spots. I can't wait to find it and to read it. Maybe it could be the beginning of my own story to be told. Who knows?

February 27, 2010

Malachi did the cutest thing the other day. First of all, he has this thing that he loves to exercise. Hopefully he keeps it up. Well of course we have so many different exercise machines in our house because I have been wanting to be thin, well, since forever. How sad is that? I am 32 years old and I still haven't figured that one out. Very sad. Anyway, whenever I go downstairs to change laundry he follows me and always jumps on the treadmill. He was doin it for a while and I didn't want to stay down there any longer so as I was on my way up the stairs he said: "Mom, will you go get me some water before my breath comes out?" Of course I couldn't say no because first of all it was adorable and second of all it was because the last time he was here and I was exercising he made sure that he got me water and wanted me to tell him every time I wanted a drink so that he could give me my cup. Oh how I love and miss my little man!